Did your heart break enough this time?

I am not an emotional person by any means. I don't crave danger, I don't like crying, and I am pretty much completely emotionally inept when it comes to relationships. For most of my life, this has been a problem for me. I can't give good relationship advice ("Oh, you have a crush on him? Really? Okay, good. I'll be back in an hour.") and I have never had a boyfriend who lasted more than three months.

This past fall, I met a guy. For the first time, I really connected with someone. He was, by all accounts, really cute. We shared likes and dislikes (Likes: Chopin and SNL digital shorts. Dislikes: Prop 8 yard signs and the slutty scene girls who seemed to constantly request him on Myspace.) and even had a few of the same problems (which I won't go into here). We nursed a mutual crush on each other for a couple months, cuddled at Disneyland in what I'm sure was the most obnoxious way our other friends had ever seen, and finally had a big romantic moment backstage during our one shared bit of downtime during the play we were starring in. He kissed me, whispered "Will you be my girlfriend?" I said yes. He ran onstage and I could see tiny bits of glitter from my makeup clinging to his skin (I was playing a really glittery character, okay?). My best friend was in the audience that night, and after the show I told her what had happened. We squealed and flapped our hands together and had a rather teenage girlish moment. I was really, really happy. But after that night, things were awkward, and I couldn't quite place my finger on the reason why.

There's glitter in my hair
from when you said you loved me
For all of my playing hard-to-want
you still saw something in me

I can't let myself fall for you and prove my mother right.
I don't do heartbreak, I take precautions.
I may have wanted you before
but now I can't stop picking you apart.

You're too loud,
You're a mess, just like me.
You're not so eloquent and you're far too gullible.

Part of me wants to want you, but I can't.

I have closure.

We went on a few dates after the show closed, but we just couldn't make it work. I don't mean to say it was entirely his fault - although it partially was. I had to make an effort just to get him to talk to me. One day, while jogging, a guy came off his porch and mentioned that he had seen me run by every day and always thought that I was cute, and was I single? It was a little creepy, and when I posted a Facebook status update laughing about it, I got an immediate text from the boyfriendish: "Movies tonight? :)" It was confusing, and frankly, a little exhausting.

We fell apart around December, and while he found another girl to post endless ambiguous "OMG I LIKE HER SO MUCH" song lyrics about quite quickly, I didn't have the luxury of moving on to a new crush so quickly. I didn't dwell on him - but I still can't think of one guy I would honestly date right now. According to a couple people, I constantly hide behind a wall of cold emotionless-ness, in order to keep from getting hurt. They're probably right, but I don't see what's so wrong with that.

Throughout the past few weeks, it seems like every couple I know has broken up, with only one notable exception. People who've been together for years, and people who've been together for a couple months. Seeing all the tears and anger and hurt flowing from my friends, I'm reminded of why I'm so glad that I seal my heart off. In so many cases, a relationship is just not worth the trouble. I'm not saying that I never want to fall in love, because that would be swell, but as of now, I'm so glad that I'm not a romantic. It's much easier to live in reality than to dream about finding a movie-quality love.